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A Fear and Loathing Guide to Dental Anxiety

submitted on 23 November 2023 by


As I sit here, staring down the barrel of the dentist's drill, the yowling of the dental hygienist's shrill voice and the taste of fluoride paste threatening to overtake my senses, I realize that I cannot be the only one suffering in this cold, sterile hell. Dental anxiety, that insidious fear lurking in the minds of many, is an affliction that needs conquering.So, my fellow sufferers, let us embark on a journey to dethrone this devilish fear and emerge victorious, with a magnificent grin and minty breath.

Understanding Dental Anxiety

Before we can vanquish this beast, we must first understand it. Dental anxiety, the dark twin of simple dental phobia, is a complex and multifaceted creature. It can take on various guises: fear of needles, drills, and even the dreaded latex gloves.The only way to conquer this fear is to rip off the mask and expose it for what it truly is: a pathetic, sniveling coward, unworthy of our attention and negative energy.

Tips and Tricks to Combat Dental Fear

Take a deep breath, clench your jaw (but not too tight, lest you crack a molar), and prepare to learn the ways of the dental warrior. Here are some tips and tricks to help you face your dental anxiety head on:
  • Choose the right dentist: The first step in our battle is to select a worthy dental ally. Find someone who understands your fears and can provide a comfortable, relaxed environment. This is not the time to skimp on quality; after all, you wouldn't hire a sketchy mechanic to fix your beloved roadster, would you?
  • Communicate your fears: Be open and honest with your dental professional about your anxiety. A good dentist will be able to adjust their approach to better suit your needs. After all, wordless screaming will only get you so far.
  • Arm yourself with knowledge: Take control by researching your dental procedures beforehand. This way, you can mentally prepare yourself for what lies ahead and avoid any nasty surprises. Knowledge is power, and power is the key to vanquishing fear.
  • Distraction, distraction, distraction: Bring headphones and listen to your favorite tunes, or better yet, a thrilling audiobook to take your mind off the medieval torture devices lurking in the dental chair. After all, it's hard to focus on a drill when you're enthralled by the adventures of a swashbuckling hero.
  • Practice deep breathing and relaxation techniques: Use meditation, visualization, or even the calming effects of a trusty hip flask (in moderation, of course) to help you relax in the dentist's chair. Just make sure to avoid any substances that might cause you to hallucinate - you don't want to see the dentist as a giant iguana wielding a jackhammer.

Embrace the Aftermath

Once you've emerged from the battlefield of the dentist's office, take a moment to reflect on your victory. Savor the sweet taste of success and minty freshness, and let it invigorate you. Remember, you've conquered your dental anxiety, and every victory only makes you stronger.It's important to keep up the good fight by scheduling regular dental check-ups and cleanings. After all, our teeth are like fine china, delicate and requiring constant care. Except, you know, we chew with them. And they don't shatter when dropped. And they don't have painted flowers. But I digress.


In the immortal words of the great dentist Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (not to be confused with myself, simply a humble writer with a coincidental name), "A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance." So, my fellow dental warriors, do not let dental anxiety control your life. Take up arms, face your fears, and choose to conquer your demons.Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a dental appointment to make, and a fear to vanquish once more. Godspeed, and may your teeth gleam like the chrome on a desert highway.
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