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Excursion into the Maddening World of Flossophy

submitted on 26 November 2023 by

Why Floss?

Why, indeed? It's the age-old question that has plagued dentists and masochists alike for centuries. Is it to cleanse our tight, tiny gum crevices of festering, apocalyptic bacteria? Or is it simply a way to make us feel better about our horrifying habits of shoving sugar-laden confections into our mouths at breakneck speed? Alas, this seems to be one of those questions that humanity may never fully comprehend.

The Origins of Oral Strangulation

Who in their right mind would ever consider forcing a piece of string between their teeth and yanking it to and fro in a frenzied attempt to attain dental cleanliness? You may be surprised to learn that the history of flossing dates back to prehistoric times, when our distant ancestors would rather ingeniously use horsehair to dislodge remnants of their most recent mammoth meal from the depths of their jaws.The true father of modern flossing, however, is one Levi Spear Parmly, a New Orleans dentist who stumbled upon the idea of using a silk thread back in the hazy days of 1815. Parmly, an innovator in his field, could not have fathomed the impact his creation would have on the dental world, or how his simple invention would eventually spawn an entire industry of flossophiles.

Techniques of the Floss Whisperer

So, you've decided to take the plunge into the world of flossing. Congratulations on this monumental life decision. Now, allow me to guide you through the various methods available to you, from the tried and true to the utterly demented.

Classic Flossing

First, we have the standard method of flossing - an approach that has served countless generations in their pursuit of dental excellence. All you need is a length of floss (preferably waxed, for a smoother glide) and a pair of fingers. Wind the floss around your fingers, grasp it tightly, and then proceed to saw it back and forth between your teeth in a slow, deliberate motion. Feel the satisfying tug as the floss scrapes away the remnants of your last meal, and revel in the knowledge that your gums are now free from the tyranny of plaque.

Water Flossing

For those who find the act of manual flossing too pedestrian or barbaric, there is the option of water flossing. These nifty devices utilize a jet of water to blast the debris from between your teeth, providing a sensation that is both cleansing and invigorating. It's akin to a carnival ride for your gums, with the added benefit of preventing gingivitis - truly, the best of both worlds.

The Floss Dance

And then we have the latest and greatest (or most ludicrous, depending on your perspective) method of flossing - the floss dance. Yes, you read that correctly; there is a dance craze inspired by the very act of cleaning one's teeth. The idea is to "floss" your body by swinging your arms around your hips in a rhythmic, swaying motion. Does it actually have any dental benefits? Doubtful. But if it gets the youth of today to contemplate their oral hygiene, then perhaps it's not all in vain.

Flossing Tips and Tricks

  • Be gentle, for your gums are but delicate, fleshy pillows that cradle your teeth in their loving embrace.
  • Don't be stingy with the floss - a fresh segment for each tooth will ensure maximum cleanliness.
  • If you're prone to forgetting this vital step of your dental routine, try keeping your floss next to your toothbrush as a visual reminder.
  • And finally, embrace the insanity that is flossing - for in this mad, mad world, it is one of the few constants we can rely on.
So, there you have it, my fearless flossers - a foray into the wild and wacky world of dental floss. Whether you choose to follow in the footsteps of our ancestors with horsehair, pay homage to Levi Spear Parmly with a silk thread, or join the modern age with a water flosser, the important thing is to heed the call of the floss and keep those pearly whites shining bright.
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