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The Fear and Loathing of Dentistry: A Guide to Surviving the Dental Battlefield

submitted on 22 November 2023 by


Good day, my fearless comrades. There comes a time in every man, woman, and child's life when the brutal reality of dentistry rears its ugly head. The sadistic art of poking, prodding, and drilling has plagued the masses for centuries, and despite our rapid advancements in technology and medicine, we're still forced to endure the torments of the dental chair. Today, I come to you not as a lover of dentistry, but as a survivor. Prepare yourself, for we shall dive into the ungodly depths of the dental world, and emerge victorious, with our teeth intact and our sanity (mostly) unscathed.

Tip #1: Embrace Your Fear

Let's face it, fellow dental warriors, the act of willingly allowing another human being to rummage around inside your mouth with sharp instruments is an unsettling proposition. Perhaps even the thought of stepping foot into that sterile, white-walled chamber of horrors sends shivers down your spine. But, like a true dental gladiator, you must face your fears head-on. Recognize your terror, acknowledge it, and then laugh in its face. For dentistry is a battlefield, and we must become soldiers in this war against gingivitis and plaque.

Tip #2: Proper Preparation

The night before your appointment with the Tooth Tyrant, gather your thoughts and prepare for battle. Much like a soldier before stepping onto the battlefield, visualize yourself emerging victorious from the dental chair. Picture yourself with sparkling teeth and gums that would make even the most seasoned dental professional weep with joy.And in the name of all that is holy, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, forget to brush and floss those pearly whites before your appointment. For if you do, the wrath of the dental gods shall be swift and unforgiving. Spare yourself the wrath of the dreaded hygienist and cleanse your mouth of the sins of sugar and plaque.

Tip #3: Take No Prisoners

When it comes to your dental care, take a ruthless, take-no-prisoners approach. Ask questions, demand answers, and challenge the dental overlords to explain their cryptic jargon. For it is your mouth, your teeth, and your hard-earned money that is at stake. Do not shy away from these terrifying subjects – root canals, fluoride treatments, wisdom teeth extraction. Face them head-on and demand the information you require to make an informed decision.

Tip #4: Bring Reinforcements

As with any battle, it's important to have allies by your side. Choose a trusted friend or family member to accompany you to your appointment. Not only will they provide moral support, but they can also act as a witness to any dental atrocities committed within the confines of that godforsaken chair.Make it a point to educate your chosen ally on your dental history, your fears, and your concerns. They should be well-versed in your struggles and prepared to fight alongside you in this war against tooth decay and gum disease.

Tip #5: Find Alternative Means of Comfort

On the day of your appointment, arm yourself with your favorite music, a comforting blanket, or a stress ball to squeeze in times of great distress. Anything that can provide solace in the face of impending doom is a worthy companion in this dental journey.Should the going get tough, focus on your chosen item and remind yourself that this too shall pass. For every dental visit is but a fleeting moment in our ever-changing lives, and we shall live to fight another day – preferably with fewer cavities.


And there you have it, my brave dental adventurers. With these tips and advice, you too can emerge from the jaws of dentistry relatively unscathed. Remember that we are a resilient species, capable of enduring even the most barbaric of dental procedures.So, stand tall, my fellow toothed-warriors, for we shall not be defeated by the treacherous realm of dentistry. We shall march on, our heads held high, our teeth gleaming like the sun, ready to face whatever dental horrors await us with unwavering determination and courage.
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